thoughts about love

I'm always struck by the Apostle Peter's instructions on love in his first letter, repeated three times -

1:22 - Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.

3:8 - Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

4:8 - Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

And this week I've been doing a lot of mulling about SLE and love, particularly our love for each other and how we do or don't express it. In the last month, I've had conversations with at least 3 SLEers about how we aren't as good at loving each other as we should be in Christ. It's sad and frustrating and we too think it's true. But I (we) don't want to write a post berating ourselves and each other about it because that induces guilt, not creative expressions of love and friendship. So I've been mulling more about why it is that we don't seem to 'love each other deeply' or why we don't appear to, even if we do. I'd like to put these suggestions down here, and invite your responses...

Why don't we love each other deeply in both action as well as attitude?

1. Maybe the issue IS that our attitudes aren't even right. We don't properly understand that we're supposed to regard our Family in Christ as affectionately as we regard our blood families (assuming you do!). We're supposed to put in time, effort, and probably emotional strain to actively work on our Christian family relationships, not assume they'll grow all by themselves or by everyone else's efforts rather than ours.

2. For many of us, the issue is probably a lot to do with trust. We don't relate closely and deeply and meaningfully with too many other SLEers because we don't have relationships of trust with them. We don't have the kind of relational history with them that makes investing deeply of ourselves and receiving deeply of others, easy.

3. And the reason we don't have these relationships of trust is because we've not spent (or had or made) time to develop them. Most usually, quality time spent with someone arises out of spending quantity time with them; think about your closest relationships - isn't this the case? We tend to relate most deeply with people we've spent heaps of time with. We know each other's ins and outs, we know how the other will react if we say this or that, we know what acts of friendship the other person appreciates, and we feel comfortable participating in that friendship on all these levels.

At this point if I could, I'd draw a circle-diagram to represent the self-perpetuating cycle we find ourselves in, because we lack (or don't make) time to build trust, but then because we don't trust we don't invest time. And round and round we go, rubbing shoulders with each other on Sundays (and at bible study) like passing ships in the night - assuming we're even there on the same week - never spending enough time, and never building enough trust.

What's the answer?! Well, someone has to choose to push past either the trust issue or the time issue and break the cycle. But even that is easier said than done. It can be really hard to go first - it's too much of an investment. What if the other person doesn't want to spend time with me? What if I make myself vulnerable to them but they don't respond? What if I want more out of relationships at church but no-one else does?

4. And here's where some of our insecurities and vulnerabilities come into play too. We fear rejection in both overt and subtle forms, we lack confidence in what we have to give, we think we're the only one with 'this' or 'that' problem in life and we won't be understood when we bring it up. We may be depressed or chronically sick or overwrought with life and too emotionally fragile to interact with others. Possibly, we're not particularly relational or we're shy or private or not good at small talk. And that's just the women! As they say, most men prefer to do something together in order to open up to each other - and nibbling at cupcakes on Sunday morning isn't the kind of bonding activity they have in mind. Our uncertainties and insecurities supercede our desires to relate meaningfully with others, so again we don't.

For those of us who come to church with a good friend or at least one family member, we go home maybe a little disappointed, but it doesn't get to us too much - we've got other Christians in our lives who we're close to. But for others in our church it's entirely different. We have SLE brothers and sisters who have been converted alone (so far!) out of non-Christian families, we have overseas students far away from their lifelong support networks, we have singles who wish they were married, we have people who struggle with 'out of the ordinary' physical and mental illnesses. Coming to church can be ironically and sadly isolating rather than the injection of encouragement and friendship and deep love we all need!

5. And maybe to some extent, we just don't care enough about each other to think carefully about how other people are going and what we could do about it.

So what to do? So many things rally against us! Can we control them or will they control us?!

Here's my last thoughts. There are heaps of SLEers who want meaningful relationships with each other and who share the same needs and vulnerabilities about it as you do (including me!). Maybe more of us need to trust that this is the case and bite the bullet together. If just 10 of us read this post, got thinking about how we could change our own patterns, and did, with God's power that could bring a whole new culture to our church. We could grow more into the kind of church family God wants for us to be - knowing each other well, and loving each other deeply, from the heart.


Possible things to do next:
1. Call, text, or email a fellow SLEer NOW! just to say hello and that you're thinking of them.

2. Prepare in your mind before coming to church each Sunday, which different person you will catch up with over morning tea. Come early enough to sit next to them at church! And sit down together in a quiet row after service so you can have an uninterrupted chat.

3. Perform a practical act of service for a brother or sister who's sick or struggling. Find out who from us, if you don't know. Give them a card, a present, a frozen meal on Sunday. Pray for them and let them know you did.

4. Have an SLEer or two over for dinner or dessert once a month (or fortnight or week!). Arrange a walk, a bike ride, a coffee, or watching a sporting match with someone you don't know very well, especially someone who's been at SLE for less time than you have.

...and leave a comment, anonymously if you prefer! What do you resolve to do next??